I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

So I will carry you while your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years
I will carry you all my life
and I will praise the One
who's chosen me
to carry you.
(chorus of I Will Carry You by Todd Smith, Angela Smith, Christa Wells)


Several months ago, my son Max took me to a Selah concert.  I've always loved the beautiful Christian songs they sing, and I was glad to go.
Towards the end of the concert, Todd Smith, one of the singers, told the story of the death of his child.  The Smith's had been told in the 18th week of wife Angie's pregnancy that their fourth daughter would not live, yet they had chosen to carry her and love her as long as they could.  The baby, named Audrey, lived for two hours after she was born.
As Todd told this story, he asked everyone in the room who had lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or had lost a child they had held in their arms, to stand so he could acknowledge our loss.
I caught my breath and my face felt hot.  I have had two miscarriages, and rarely have I seen miscarriage acknowledge publicly as a real loss.  After all, I had not really held or nursed my two lost babies.  I wasn't even sure what sex they were. And yet, I had bonded with them while they were in my womb, and I grieved them.
I glanced at my son Max, who nodded encouragingly at me and made a stand up motion.  The room was so quiet, you could almost hear a pin drop.  Slowly, women all over the auditorium began to stand.  As I got to my feet, I heard the woman next to me gasped a sad "OH!"  I saw my sister who was sitting a few rows in front of me stand also.  She had had a miscarriage, too. Tears streamed down my face as I remembered my lost babies, and yet, I felt so grateful for the opportunity to honor their lives.

So when I found this book, I bought it eagerly, and I was not disappointed.  This is a beautiful book, full of inspiration, glory to God, and hope in a time of great trial.

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"Your daughter has many conditions that are not compatible with life.  She does not have functioning kidneys, there is no amniotic fluid, and her heart is incredibly enlarged.  It appears to be taking up more than 80 percent of her chest, so there will be no room for lungs to grow.  We also do not believe she has a bladder or a stomach, and I cannot see four chambers of her heart."

These were the words of Angie Smith's doctor after a sonogram in her 18th week of pregnancy.  Soon Angie and her husband Todd, were sitting in an office with a genetic counselor and the doctor as they were told the baby would not live, and they were advised to abort.  Angie asked to see the doctor who had delivered her twins four years earlier, a high risk doctor who had saved the lives of the girls when Angie went into premature labor half way through her pregnancy.  The Smith's also had a two year old daughter.
While the high risk doctor agreed with the earlier findings, he encouraged the Smith's to carry the baby to term, not because he thought the baby would live, in fact, he thought she might die in the womb, but because he knew their strong faith.  They agreed, and left his office knowing they would not be taking the life of their daughter.

As Angie and Todd clung to God, Angie spent much time in scripture, trying to find comfort and make sense out of what they were going through.  She drew much strength from several Bible stories, and writes what she learned.  She seems to lean most of the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus.  What she drew from that story is something I have thought about often since, and have used in my own prayers recently:

I read the story of Lazarus, and it felt like a sweet balm to my bitter hurt (John 11)...In the book of John, we read that Lazarus had become ill, and in their desperation Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus that he was sick.  The letter they sent contained only a few telling words, "Lord, the one you love is sick."  (John 11:3) ...What Mary and Martha say in their message to Jesus is not as interesting to me as what they DON'T say.  They don't refer to Lazarus by name, nor do they ask Him to heal their brother.  While we can infer that they were conveying a need for help, they don't actually ask Him to do anything specific...As I read their words, it occurred to me that this is not the way I approach the Lord with a crisis.  I run to Him with a laundry list of suitable responses, and beg Him to accommodate me.  "Heal her heart, Lord."  "Make her kidneys work."  "Let her live."...While I know there isn't anything wrong with asking God to intervene, there is a gentle surrender that I was drawn to in this story.  Recognize who He is...and tell Him the problem.  Leave the rest to Him.

Angie tells us the despair of worrying about her baby being cold, and buying her a dress to wear when she was buried.  She tells about picking out a cemetery plot and coffin.  She tells us how she and Todd guided their little daughters through all this.  She tells about trying to cram a lifetime of loving Audrey into three short months.

She tells us about the day Audrey was born, and how she and her family bathed, dressed, took turns holding and loving her during her short two hours of life.  With her three little girls surrounding her and baby Audrey, a nurse checked Audrey's pulse often, and finally, with a nod, let Angie know that life had fled.

"In that moment, the Lord took her from out of our arms into His.  Right before our eyes, she passed from this world into the next, and all she had ever known was love."

This is a wonderful book, and whether you have lost a child or not, there is much you can glean from it.  Although I cried with almost every page, I also got a lot of encouragement and some new perspective of some Bible stories.  This is a book I encourage you to read, and to also pass on to someone you might know who is grieving the loss of a child.